This Portfolio Is a Relic Of What I Once Was

This is my blog. The rest of this website is my e-portfolio. I made it several years ago. You can browse around and see my various, mostly professional, accomplishments.

At this point in my life, the portfolio part seems to be a relic of what I once was.

Around 2008, I had my first psychotic break. It just hasn’t been the same since then. I was on the path to become an academic–aiming for a PhD in Philosophy, with the goal of becoming a professor. I had to leave school, which I loved, and go through the years-long process of recovery. I don’t know that full recovery from my diagnosis of schizophrenia is possible for me.

I have a long-time counselor who suggests I simply modify my expectations in life; to live life as a disabled person. I resisted that for a long time, but now I think, after various trials and tribulations, that this is wise advice.

I plan to still maintain this blog and keep this website for a while. It goes to show that someone with promise–someone very career-oriented, who excelled in school and work–can become disabled and have their dreams dashed.

People with disabilities are often looked down upon. People don’t often take kindly towards them, especially if one has a disability like mine, which is heavily stigmatized. However, writing is one thing I can do (when I have the energy) and it’s something I love. So, I aim to continue doing that here if and when I can.

The past year has had its ups and downs. I started an online magazine which did pretty well but that I can’t keep up anymore. I tried to start an organization, but I simply cannot do the work necessary to follow through. It’s not my choice to be disabled. I simply am. All the evidence here will show I tried my darndest to be anything but disabled. My family can attest to my disability and the evidence–as well as my family and friends–can testify to my constant desire to try to keep plodding through.

This isn’t a pity party. This is how I feel right now.

For now, I leave you with this image I found on the internet. I post it partly tongue-in-cheek. But it’s how I will be remembered, having been a pretty good philosopher, an award-winning poet, and a “failure” nevertheless.

New Year’s Resolutions

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. However, the New Year coincided with some changes in me. They aren’t resolutions, but they are a general direction I’m taking my life. They range from pretty basic to seemingly difficult. They are as follows:

  1. Don’t date assholes.
  2. Go to the library more.
  3. Create a new idea.

I’m doing well on the assholes part. I think that I should date someone who deserves me, my love and what I can bring to the table. I am enough. I am more than enough. I don’t need someone. And I’m willing to wait for the right person, if the right person ever comes along.

I’m also doing well on going to the library. I’ve checked out 5 books since the New Year. This should be something I can keep up because I love reading.

Creating a new idea is more difficult. I genuinely love learning, studying and learning about other people’s ideas. This would have been around the time I would have finished a PhD had I not gotten sick. So I figured I’d do something I would have done had I finished: create a new idea. It’s a tall order. But, even if it’s a small idea, I’ll take it.

Again, these are not technically New Year’s resolutions. They are just the way my life is unfolding and it happens to be around the same time as the New Year.

Philosopher-Soliders

John Rawls did it the traditional way. In Ancient Greece, often a person had to serve in the military before becoming a philosopher. While the two–philosophy and the military–may seem incompatible, I think they are most compatible. I will argue that, more than things like AI, we need thinking soldiers.

John Rawls, of course, became disillusioned in the military. But it has been argued that some of his best ideas–and his ideas are great–are rooted in his military experience.

The tradition of serving in the military before becoming a philosopher goes back, as I mentioned, to Ancient Greece, where Socrates served. Socrates went on to become the father of western philosophy.

When I taught philosophy at the University of North Florida, I often had former military people as students. They were wonderful.

I was a Blogger for the Florida Student Philosophy Blog, too, and recall reading an article about thinking and the military. The military, it was said, is not a place for thinking.

I want to argue we need philosopher-soldiers in the military. While it may seem that a highly organized structure, where people merely take commands, is a great way to win, I believe in this century, to make a lasting and incredible impact, we need thinking soldiers.

The military, it has been argued, shouldn’t be a place to think. After all, thinking can get us in trouble. Think of Chelsea Manning, who did think–and unleashed classified materials upon the world. However, in a military where people like Manning are not only not shunned but are the norm, the ideas that come from these minds can aid in winning.

In order to get thinking philosophers, we need to apply ancient theories to the soldier. We need, in short, courses for them in philosophy, taught using the Socratic teaching method.

The Socratic teaching method is ideal because it encourages the individual to think–and think for themselves. Far more than any other weapon we currently have, there is no replacing an active and imaginative brain. We need soldiers skilled in, at minimum, informal logic, basic argumentation, analyzing evidence and cognitive biases.

There is no need for the United States to be afraid of developing soldiers in this way. The mind, when dedicated to the truth of things, is always a winner.

 

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Be At Peace

Despite the fact that I have been exhausted for the past couple of weeks, I have, in general, been at peace with myself for several months now. You may not think that a person who fell from grace when they developed schizophrenia would be at peace. But I am. In fact, I’m more at peace than when I was an aspiring professor, a TA, an RA, making straight A’s in difficult courses, and so on.

When I was in academia, I was often surrounded by critical eyes and subjected to harsh judgements. Even though it may sound silly, I often thought: Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Am I smart enough?

I don’t know that my standards have gone down at all. But I have learned that having ambition, being excellent in what one does, and having aspirations does not mean one has to be harshly critical and judgmental. I have, in short, been around a lot of assholes who cloak their asshole-ness in terms of being intellectual. I’m certainly not saying everyone I’ve met in academia is like this, but it’s been too many for me to say it’s just happenstance.

Part of this learning to be at peace, coming to terms with myself and accepting myself as I am has been a result of going to counseling. I have a very excellent counselor. She has taught me to be more in touch with my feeling and emotions while not giving up my brain.

The result is that I’ve been able to connect with people in ways I hadn’t been able to connect before. And this has often led to interesting intellectual conversations and connections.

These days, I’m interested in a lot of things. But one thing I’m interested in is quelling our desire for harsh competition, negativity, and harsh judgements and instead focusing on cooperation and care. I have found—and evidence shows—that cooperation, not competition, leads to more fruitful results, anyway.

Graduate Studies

Sometimes people ask me what I studied in graduate school. I focused primarily on Ethics and Political Philosophy. Here’s what I studied:

GRADUATE COURSES and READING GROUPS: