Oh, Crap. I’m a Prophet.

That was my first reaction to the spiritual gift of prophecy. Oh, crap.

It wasn’t like I asked for it. It’s just that as I encountered the Bible, things appeared to me. I had visions. I had dreams. I had revelations.

But, to make matters worse, I also have a history of living with schizophrenia. Only God would do a thing like that. I would, of course, give the power of prophecy to someone else. Someone with a strong history of, well, telling truth from reality.

People who really have the gift of prophecy will tell you that they will know what’s from God and what’s not. And you will know who’s of God and who is not by their fruits.

It’s hard for me to explain the difference, but I know what’s of God and what’s not. My revelations are nothing like what I’ve experienced with schizophrenia. Absolutely nothing like it.

My Church’s Africa Mission

I am raising money so people in my church, such as my mom, can go to Kenya, Africa on a mission trip. All the money goes to Cross Creek Community Church. If you are interested in donating, please go here.

Moral Skepticism and the Foundations of Morality

Like most of my books, my books on meta-ethics are in storage. But was very interested in meta-ethics. In fact, the first iteration of my MA thesis was on meta-ethics. I was thinking about the foundations of morality today. I can’t say I have any answers–for all the searching I’ve done.

But my thesis was originally on value pluralism.

Emotions

I have been thinking about emotions lately. Specifically, whether and what they tell us. Emotions have been given a bad rap among some, but I have come to the conclusion that they are tied to the beliefs we have.

I have said previously that I don’t experience anger. And I don’t. So I don’t know what cognitive content anger has. Most times I have seen anger, I have thought it irrational. There may be such a thing as “justified anger,” but I don’t know.

If I love you, for example, I probably have some knowledge and beliefs about you. I could be incorrect. But these are the beliefs I have. (Note: I’m not an expert on philosophy of love and friendship.)

I see, recently, many people expressing emotions. I think these emotions tell us something. They tell us about the beliefs they have and the knowledge they have.

So, while emotions may have been given a bad rap as something to be quelled if we are to be “rational,” I think emotions are intimately tied to our knowledge and beliefs. I’m open to other suggestions, but that’s where I’m at right now.

Kierkegaard

Anyone who knows me knows I was sort of obsessed with Kierkegaard as an undergraduate. And, after undergrad, I took a year off to study both Kierkegaard and skepticism. I don’t really do philosophy anymore, but Kierkegaard came to mind today.

One of his seminal works is Fear and Trembling. I’m not a Kierkegaard expert, but I do know that this book has been important to me. Others find it perplexing.

I haven’t read Fear and Trembling for several years now and my copy is in storage. But Fear and Trembling tells the story of Issac and Abraham. The book focuses on Abraham and his choice to sacrifice his son–who he loved most in the world–because of God’s command. This choice and the feelings that came with it, along with the ethical dimensions of these choices, are the focus of the book.

The title of the book probably comes from Philippians 2:12:

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

Kierkegaard was the father of existentialism. And I took a whole course on existentialism as an undergrad. The reference to Philippians has always been powerful to me. I try to understand it more almost every day.

Kierkegaard was difficult to understand and interpret because he used a method of indirect communication, dedicated his books to ‘that single individual’, and had a deep and abiding, if never consummated, love for Regine.

Once upon a time, I dreamed of going to Copenhagen to study Kierkegaard more in depth.

Our Herb Garden

A while ago–maybe two years now–we and our neighbors collaborated on an herb garden at our house. It’s a nice little place to sit and relax. There’s several herbs there and a bench. Our neighbor (and us) thought it would be nice to make it a community space.

Here you can see our potted herb garden. It’s little worse for wear because of the winter, but there’s plenty of mint, basil and more.

Here’s the bench. People sometimes come and sit for a while because…

…this is the message painted in front of the garden:

I often find inspiration sitting in the herb garden. I always wanted to bring a friend there to chat, but as yet I haven’t.

On Evil

As someone who studied ethics, I was interested in, of course, good and evil. Most people think of ethics as focusing only on good, but that’s not true. The fact is, evil perplexes me. I tried to study it as much as I could. I don’t think I studied as much as some other people I know, however, because I didn’t have the same opportunities.

But I have read about evil. I have studied dark periods of history, read philosophical treatises on evil, and more.

I’m pretty lucky to have not run across too many bad people in my life. All of my friends are good people. So I don’t have knowledge of evil first hand. Thankfully.

One of my favorite books on the topic, however, is a book entitled On Evil. This book lays out a theory of evil that is pretty compelling to me.

Reclaiming ‘Spinster’

The other day, I was with a friend at a coffee shop. I told her, “I’m a spinster.”

She said, “That’s not a feminist word.”

I said flatly, “I’m reclaiming it.”

The fact is, I have never been married and I don’t know if it will happen for me. A couple of people recently proposed to me, but I said no.

All of my friends have gotten married–some also got divorced. Even someone I know who I thought was against the whole concept of marriage recently got engaged.

So, I’m a spinster, I guess. We’ll just have to see whether I stay that way.

Love and Mercy

A while back, I read Brian Wilson’s new memoir, I Am Brian Wilson. I also watched the newest film based on his life, Love and Mercy.

The film could have been better, I thought. It’s difficult to depict mental illness in film. It’s very hard to show what struggling with mental illness is like.

But it was interesting nonetheless.

Counseling is for Everyone

The other day, I was with a friend who said I inspired him/her to go to counseling. This person seems well-adjusted and doesn’t have any mental illness that we know of. But it’s my opinion that everyone should get counseling just as everyone should go to the doctor.

Mental health is often treated differently than “physical” health and so the treatments are seen differently, too. But I think everyone should go to counseling no matter who they are.

So this is a win for me. I convinced someone to go to counseling.

A Year Without Makeup

I stopped wearing makeup about a year ago now. It’s been interesting. Before, I would never leave the house without being completely made up. Now, I leave the house however I feel like. This has been such a relief.

I think when I wore makeup, I had lower self-esteem. I may look less pretty than I used to, and I may have gained some weight, but my self-esteem has improved dramatically.

I stopped wearing makeup because (1) It’s expensive and (2) Because I have sensitive skin, which was irritated by the makeup.

It’s been about a year now and I can’t imagine wearing makeup anymore. It’s so freeing to not have to wear it. I know I’m probably not the most beautiful woman in the world, but covering myself up was symbolic, I think. I think I was ashamed of myself. Now, I go “naked” and I don’t care what people think.

“Still Waters Run Deep”

I’ve always been a quiet person. Sometimes, I’ve been chastised for this from people seeking more “personality.” But I’m actually pretty comfortable with myself. Very comfortable, actually.

I’m a content person most of the time and I don’t have wild emotions. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced anger. Truly. I don’t know what it’s like to feel anger.

Having studied emotion, I suppose I could estimate that those emotions are essential to the human condition. But I lack them, I guess. And I’m pretty stoic in the philosophical sense. As in, the Ancient Stoics.

I was talking about these differences with a friend today. This friend has to actively subdue wild emotions so s/he doesn’t do anything irrational. Now, I’ve done irrational things, but that’s when I’ve been psychotic. And I guess most people don’t know what it’s like to become psychotic. So we’re even.

My dad, who I’ve been thinking about a lot recently, was a perceptive person and he noted my calm and stillness from childhood. He always told me, “Still waters run deep.” And my inability to feel anger has actually helped me in many endeavors.

UPDATE: If you are interested in some of the latest philosophical work on emotion–and specifically anger–check out Martha Nussbaum’s new book.

Coffee Redux

Phew. I went and had coffee with my friend. It took a lot out of me. I’m an introvert, for one thing. For another, I’m ill.* I’m used to spending time with just a few people and other introverts. But it was nice. We already made plans to do a lot of things together.

Fortunately, my friends don’t mind me having budget issues to deal with. The friend I met with yesterday suggested many, many free or cheap things to do together. Plus, my friend says they have fun doing small things. I do, too, honestly. So, stay tuned. I’ll be posting about my adventures as they come.

 

*People with schizophrenia usually have issues with socialization and getting out. I certainly have. That’s one reason why one of my goals this year is to try to get out and socialize more.

Socialization on a Budget

I admit it. I’ve become somewhat of a hermit. This past year was rough for me in several ways and I stayed in a lot.

This year, I’ve decided one of my goals is to get out more. I’ve made several new friends and I want to do things with them. But it’s difficult on the budget I have. I know people who are much more well-off than me and I simply cannot afford to do the things they do. But I am determined to do what I can. So, today I’m having coffee with a friend I made recently. We are going some place close to me because, having no car, I can’t travel very far. But I can get to the place we arranged and I have enough to buy a coffee for myself.

I hope to enjoy a few hours with my friend and have great conversation. Here’s to 2017’s new goals.

New Year’s Day

I had a good New Year’s Eve. But on New Year’s Day, it’s time to spend time with my family. We have a tradition. Maybe you do, too. We always eat black-eyed peas on New Year’s Day for good luck.

Here’s hoping 2017 is full of great things for us all.

Last Shot of Abilify for the Year

This morning, I went and got my final shot of Abilify for the year. They always switch between arms. First, the left arm. Then, the right. Today, it was the right arm.

I used to not like getting shots, but I have grown accustomed to it with Abilify. And, anyway, like I told my nurse today, getting a shot is a small price to pay for keeping me healthy.

The Abilify Maintaina shot, which is what I get, can seem scary, though. The injection itself is very large and looks like it would be more of a horse shot. My nurse tells me that the Abilify shot is more effective than the pill, however. I’m glad to take it and glad it has kept me out of the hospital.

New Year, New Dress

To celebrate one year of being out of the hospital–and the new year–I got myself a new dress. It may be hard to tell the texture and shine on this dress in the video, but it’s really a pretty dress.

An End of the Year Thank You

I’ve been on the internet for several years, but have only had my own real estate for a couple of years now. I have brothers in the tech industry. They have helped me with my site.

I enjoy having a blog, and I must say that I’m surprised by how many people show up. Thank you.

Since I started my blog, I have had 19,601 unique visitors. While not many people comment, some of you have contacted me privately. I thank you for that.

The reason I bring up my internet connections is because today a friend I made online who lives in Canada sent me some calendars for the New Year. I appreciate my good connections, and have rarely had bad online experiences.

So, thank you all for showing up and coming back. It makes me happy.

Books, Books, Books

It shouldn’t have surprised my parents that I grew up to be somewhat of an academic. After all, I grew up in a household where both my parents were always reading, learning, and encouraging us kids to do the same. My dad was very bright. So is my mom.

These days, I am surrounded by books. All kinds of books. Some of them are mine, but most of them are my mom’s, as most of my books–and there are many of them–are in storage.

I woke up this morning thinking about books. I have worked on several of them, and have now written a short one of my own.

It used to be that the very best gift a person could get me was a gift card for Barnes and Noble. I just loved reading. I loved books. And I got that from my parents.

However, now that Christmas is over–and having gotten no books or gift cards for books–I have found that I’ve expanded my experiences to doing more than reading. I guess it’s all part of trying to be well-rounded.

Yellow Rose of Texas

Today, I have been thinking about my dad. He died 10 years ago; in 2006. My dad was an interesting man. One time, he wrote the story of his life for me. It was an interesting life. My dad was like a Navy Seal. But that was back before there was such a thing as Navy Seals. He had a bunch of war stories, but never really talked to me about too many of them.

My dad treated me very well. One of the few things I have from him is a coffee cup he got for me a very long time ago. I keep it with all of my special treasures. He used to call me his little, yellow rose because I have blonde hair and always have. The song “The Yellow Rose of Texas” was his song for me because I was born in Texas.

I buried my dad in Dallas-Fort Worth, giving him a full military-style funeral. I think my dad was always very proud of me.

Reflecting on 2016

For many, 2016 was a bad year. In fact, it’s become an internet meme that 2016 was so bad.

For me, at least one good thing happened: I managed to stay out of the hospital for the whole, entire year. That is a feat. I’ve been taking Abilify, and while it has some side effects, like weight gain, it has been much better to me than many of the other drugs I have tried. I managed, this year, through everything, to stay focused on my health and maintain my medical treatment.

That is the good thing, to me, about 2016. And it’s no small thing. One year out of the hospital is a milestone. So, I decided I’m going to celebrate all the way this New Year.

Of course, other good things happened. I got published in several places. I did manage to lose some weight.

Some bad things happened, too. I suffered through a break-up that I’m not completely over yet.

But, all in all, it was a good year for me.

Been Busy

I’ve been a little busy; too busy to blog to much. But I have been enjoying this great weather!

Doctor Appointments

The last few days has been filled with doctor appointments.

Yesterday, I went to my Nurse Practitioner to see how I am doing, and to refill my medications. I think I am responding well to Abilify. I get an injection once a month. The nurse told me that the shot is more effective than the pill because it maintains a more even blood level throughout the month. My Nurse Practitioner and I decided it’s best for me not to work. Our goal is to keep me out of the hospital.

This morning, I went to have several tests done for a physical. I had a breathing test, chest x ray, EKG, urine test, and blood work. It was time for my yearly physical, so I did it.

On Having Schizophrenia

I have schizophrenia. But, during my daily life, I don’t think of myself as someone with schizophrenia. I think of myself as Jennie; a person. That’s what I am first and foremost. For the longest time, I didn’t tell anyone I had schizophrenia, including some family members, and of course, people in my professional life. Especially people in my professional life.

The fact is, there’s a huge stigma associated with mental illness in general, and schizophrenia in particular. I am not in a constant state of psychosis. I have psychotic breaks every once in a while. They have been frequent enough and bad enough that I am on disability, which is hard to get. It keeps me from working full time. I can write because I can self-pace when I write. So that’s what I do.

I want everyone who comes to my website to come away with a different understanding of schizophrenia. There was a point in time that I didn’t want my mom telling anyone that I have schizophrenia. I told her to tell people I have cancer. That’s how bad the stigma is. Think of me as a person with any other illness. You wouldn’t think badly of them for being ill, would you?

I cannot help my disorder. I certainly didn’t plan it. It’s not something I’d want to have, but I have it. It keeps me from doing things I want to do. But, overall, think of me as Jennie–a person. Not as “a schizophrenic.”

Opening Soon!

I am opening a store to sell some of my work. The first thing I will be selling is a collection of poems I recorded, which I’ve posted samples of. If you are a fan of artwork, this site is for you!

 

Do You Write?

Over the past few days, I have been writing poetry. I have won awards for poetry. Back in undergraduate school, I wrote frequently.

I started writing poems at the age of 13. I wrote one poem, at least, per day. As time passed, I got better and better.

I took time off from writing poetry when I was in graduate school, but I thought I’d take it back up.

It’s very interesting, how we grow as writers, as well as in other areas. I find the things I write about now are different from things I used to write.

How about you? Do you write?

Environmental Work

A while back, I did some work with a local environmental non-profit. I did river clean-ups, managed volunteers, and, most importantly, networked with local business people. I was happy to get the chance to do this kind of work. I thought of this experience when I was looking back at some old photos of me. There are very few photos of me on the job or volunteering. But, this is one. Here I am at a river clean up, where I was thinking about how to grow the non-profit, and organize volunteers. The non-profit itself is very good, and I liked working for the Executive Director there.

JennieEnvironmentalOrg

Six Years Ago

It’s hard to believe that it was six years ago that I was working on the book Reading Bernard Williams. I was privileged to edit some really great essays, and gain valuable experience in editing and writing. Although the editor, Dr. Daniel Callcut, was kind enough to give me a hard-copy, I bought the e version recently and read it. The copy that Dr. Callcut gave me had an inscription in it that I keep framed.

ReadingBernardWilliams

Green Springs Park

The other day I went to Green Springs Park with a good friend of mine. We walked around, enjoyed the great weather and the nature trails.

Green Springs is aptly named. The major spring itself is, in fact, green. Here are some photos I took while I was there.

This is the main spring. As you can see, it is actually green.

GreenSprings

Here is a stream from the spring.

GreenSpringsStream

And here is one of the roadways in the park.

GreenSpringsRoadway

All in all, it was a great day. I will definitely visit Green Springs again!

Chicago Trip

Two months ago, I visited Chicago. I stayed for a long weekend, and, during that time, I visited the Museum of Science and Industry, the Chicago SkyDeck, and the Art Institute of Chicago. I had a great time. All the exhibits were excellent. Below are some choice pictures.

This is the outside of the Museum of Science and Industry.

This is me in front of the nation’s only U-Boat:

U Boat

And here I am in front of the Art Institute of Chicago:

Art Institute

Lastly, here I am at the Chicago SkyDeck:

SkyDeck

Chicago is a wonderful place. I used the train or Metra to get everywhere I went. The Art Institute had many paintings I really, really appreciated. I took several pictures while I was there and thoroughly enjoyed my visit.

 

New and Improved! Blog!

As people who know me know, I have a history of blogging. I blogged at UNF for the Department of Philosophy and Religious Studies, and slowly moved my work over here.

This blog will be different. I aim to post about things going on in my life. I recently went to Chicago, for example. I will post pictures from that. I also went to Green Springs with a friend. I will post photos from that trip. So, this blog will contain my life experiences so as to fit in with the other content on this site.

-Jennifer