The past several years have been a long, hard journey for me. I went from “having it all” to having, basically, nothing–sometimes, not even my own mind.
While on this journey, I’ve been abused, forcibly hospitalized, gone to jail (Yep! Many people with my diagnosis do, unfortunately!) and have tried many different “treatments” to “cure” my “illness.”
I’ve been in counseling for about a year and a half. I may appear smart, but my counselor makes me feel hardheaded. She’s been my lifeline and the best treatment of all the treatments I’ve tried. She knew where she wanted me to be a year and a half ago. I’m only just now getting there.
There’s a sense of self-love and self-acceptance I’ve been feeling recently. I feel fortified and strong. These are lessons one learns from things like Stoicism–but for me, they’ve finally been internalized.
I face various criticism from different people, but they really cannot phase me anymore. And, as I’ve come across people who really do try to put me down, I feel as if they are wasting a lot of energy. I simply observe them and their behavior. It doesn’t permeate me. As I feel Stoic Calm, they are using their precious time on Earth practicing vices and negativity.
So I’ve had time. I’ve had time to closely observe and experience evil up close. I’ve come to a few conclusions, but no set theory. In a nutshell, though, I think Aristotle was right about what one practices. You are what you repeatedly do.
There are aims which one certainly can do, but probably shouldn’t. These things include what you attend to, what you bring into your psyche. The old phrase “Garbage in, garbage out?” Well, that rings true in not only my observations, but in the study of psychology. And some people, I hate to report, have truly warped their own psyche. Sometimes to the point that I wonder if it is beyond repair.
They can call me “crazy” all day long. But one thing my mom will tell you I’ve always had was sharp powers of observation. I am at the point where you can tell lies about me, insult me, try to put me down, but I will still rise.
And, with that, I’ll leave you with the poem I’ve had in my head all day.